I’ve wanted to write here for the past few weeks so badly.  But I just haven’t known how I feel about a ton of things.  And my thoughts are changing literally every single day.  But I guess it’s okay not know how I feel yet and to not have everything sorted out yet.  So here’s my story for right now to the best I can communicate it.

I’ll sort our some of the things that are just a mess right now.  

First up: Brian.  

Last time I wrote, it was about a potential friendship.  And I had this hopeful feeling inside.  I was on a mild emotional high, just in a general good mood and optimistic mindset.  Like I said though, I had only really hung out with Brian since, not the rest of the guys.  It was definitely a fun night hanging out with me for them, not the type of thing where they wanted to become actual friends.  But there was still that possibility of becoming good friends with Brian, which was awesome.  So I had dinner with he and Nora once and we hung out on Friday night in the D3 common room just playing bananagrams with a few other people.  And we were still very much in the mutual-friend situation if that makes sense.  We always hung out when Nora was there, which was fine (we’re both good friends with Nora), but to become good friends with each other I knew we’d have to hang out without Nora at least once just because.  Don’t you think that makes sense?  Maybe it doesn’t, but it does to me.  So anyway.  Friday night we stayed in and played bananagrams.  Saturday night I had Corp Potluck which I was pretty excited for, but I also wanted to hang out with Brian and Nora and whoever else.  Mel (who is one of my favorite people at Georgetown) and Kelly (super fun) and I decided to pregame the potluck at Kelly’s apartment.  So I went over there and did just that, but I went pretty hard.  I drank a little more than a whole bottle of Andre which is, one, a lot of alcohol, and, two, a lot of liquid.  Additionally I bought a handle of Svedka and made two 2-liter bottles of “Germs Juice” which was two bottles of Mountain Dew with a half handle in each plus a packet of grape kool-aid.  At the time I thought it would be fun to bring that.  But looking back on it, I honestly have no idea what I was doing.  I was never one to endorse drinking.  I mean, yes I’ve been drinking at Georgetown, but making those drinks was not something I would normally do.  More on this topic later.  So I was pretty drunk when I got to potluck.  And I feel like potluck isn’t giving off the right image here.  Most people bring alcohol so there’s pleeennty of that.  It’s essentially a party with an assortment of drinks (not simply a keg or jungle juice) and some food on the side.  And I had a ton of fun at potluck.  I remember being really excited about our new hires and new hire crossovers.  So I was in a good mood.  And Nora had texted me to see if I wanted to go with her and Brian and D1 people to the college dems party.  Obviously I wanted to go.  So I meet up with them, but I only really remember meeting up with Nora and Brian.  And we go to Dems.  I then see this guy Matt who is really good friends with one of my friends from home, Elizabeth.  And Elizabeth always tell me how she thinks we actually would get along well and are kind of similar.  And I always want to hang out with Matt but never have.  So I see him talking to this girl MaryEllen who I know, but doesn’t know me.  So I go over and basically make a fool of myself.  And I’m super creepy and know a lot about MaryEllen who doesn’t even know my name.  Then I somehow make it to the other side of the room, and start talking to this girl, Rachel.  At this point I am extremely drunk.  And I really like this girl, Rachel.  But she’s consistently been hooking up with this guy, Pieter.  But here we are and she’s more than a little bit all over me.  And everyone knows.  And we’re standing there and her face is pretty much on my face.  And I’m drunk.  And I’m panicking because even when I’m drunk some of my values don’t change.  And my conscience is telling me that it’s not a good idea to hook up with her.  So after a while I drunkenly declare we’re going to find her boy, Pieter.  And somehow I knew where he was so I took her to him and left.  And then I went to Vittles.  And I drunkenly cashed in front of our store director.  Not that big of a deal, but not exactly a good thing.  So then the store closes and I just sit outside the storefront at a table by myself drunkenly pondering life.  And regretting everything - as usual.  And I feel kind of sick.  So I just sit there.  Eventually Mike (our director) leaves and laughs at me.  Brian texts me and asks if I want to come over to his dorm to hang out.  Obviously I do.  After about an hour of table sitting, I eventually make it over to the water fountain and get some water before heading over to the D3 common room.  So it’s a Saturday night and the D3 common room is full of people - everyone’s telling their stories of the night and just hanging out in general.  I don’t know everyone there so Nora, Brian, and I are all just in the kitchen (same room, just off to the side) talking.  Nora is pretty drunk and tired (aren’t we all) and goes back to her room for a minute.  Then everyone in the common room randomly collectively decides it’s bedtime and starts heading back into their rooms.  It’s just me and Brian now and a few other people wander in occasionally.  And Nora comes back and declares she’s going to bed, which she does.  And Brian and I are just sitting on the counter in the kitchen drunkenly leaning against one another.  And we’re just sort of talking and munching on some left over popcorn.  But we’re both pretty drunk and better listeners than speakers so the conversation kind of kept drifting off.  And his head is kind of turned toward me.  And he kind of keeps coming down to my head.  But only halfway.  And it’s all quite hazy and confusing.  But I kind of know something is happening.  And I laugh a little to myself.  I’m not sure why.  But I remember doing that.  And the conversation is officially broken off.  And I eventually, slowly turn my head toward him a little bit.  And he kissed me.  And we made out a little.  And I was so drunk.  And so was he.  But we were publicly in the common room.  And I’m not sure if anyone else saw or knew what was going on.  And then I thought it was over.  And I was going to go back to my dorm for the night.  But he said we should go down a different stairway.  Little did I know it didn’t actually even go down to the lobby to exit, it just connected all the floors with rooms on them.  And then we started hooking up.  And I mean really hooking up.  For like at least an hour.  And we stopped sometimes and talked.  And I don’t remember too much of what was said, but we sat down a few times and I was actually physically trembling which I guess is embarrassing.  And I think it made him feel weird.  And he kept saying, “I think I’m scaring you.”  To which all I could reply was, “no, you’re not. I really don’t know why I’m shaking.”   And then we kept hooking up.  And eventually I said I should go.  And we exited the stairway that didn’t lead to the lobby.  And went to the stairway that did lead to the lobby.  And he said he wanted to walk me back since it was 6:30 in the morning.  And I said that was ridiculous.  And I was extraordinarily weirded out by what had happened.  But I still felt happy.  And then I crashed in bed and fell asleep.  The next few days were some of the worst in a long, long time.  I was unhappy.  Do you know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you feel extraordinarily guilty about something?  Has that ever happened to you?  It’s one of the worst feelings in the world.  And you kind of want to throw up, but there’s nothing to make you throw up.  And even if you did throw up, it would still be there because it’s an emotional, not physical, conditional.  And I wouldn’t say that guilt was the exact emotion I felt.  But I definitely had that feeling.  And it didn’t go away for about three days.  And I couldn’t think about anything else.  And I hated myself.  And I didn’t know if Brian was thinking about it too.  Even if he was, it probably wasn’t as much as I was.  And hooking up with Brian was the tipping point.  It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.   So I was trying to sort out hooking up with Brian, not hooking up with Rachel, bringing aggressive drinks to potluck, being drunk in general because I was so against it in high school, being a Christian, blacking out a little bit for the first time, and having the feeling that the person that I honestly and legitimately thought could be a best friend, thinking of me as something else (or maybe he wasn’t thinking that I don’t know).  And I guess other things surfaced, too.  Like how I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  And I don’t know why I’m in the business school.  But I do know.  Because I can get a job with that which is what my parents want.  But that’s another tangent that I can talk about later.  This paragraph is devoted to Brian.  So for the next few days I felt like shit.  And I couldn’t do anything.  Like deal with the three midterms I had.  Ethics, Business Stats, and Accounting were going to be a shit show and I knew it.  Any. way.  The worst was the feeling of not even knowing who I am.  And the worst was also that I had thought of Brian as this potential good friend who completely negated that as the intention (at least that how it seemed in my mind).  I was legitimately a wreck.  And throughout high school I knew that some people thought I may have been gay.  I’m not your typical football watching or gamer or womanizer kind of guy.  And I genuinely don’t think I am.  To be honest, that kind of thing has never really been on my mind.  I genuinely just want the best human to human relationships possible.  I’ve tried to live to make other people’s lives happier.  Which maybe sounds cliche.  But, hey, that’s me.  Honestly.  And as posted before, I’ve always striven for friendship.  With girls and with guys.  I know it may not be what society is focused on right now, but the idea of having really good friends - actually really good friends - is amazing to me.  And the last sermon I listened to from RealityLA talked about how true friendship that isn’t simply dependent on working together or liking your things on facebook is one of the most amazing things you can ever have.  And the sermon went on to say that romantic relationships have been so incredibly Hallmarked and “romanticized” and idealized (etc) that friendship doesn’t seem as important.  And I completely agree.  For whatever reason, the idea of a romantic relationship has never been really on my mind.  Because I’ve always known it will come with time.  Things will eventually come together and I know they will.  The main thing on my heart has been friendship.  So I was analyzing myself and trying to sort out this thing with Brian.  And I don’t exactly have the best conclusion.  I still think I like girls (I actually hooked up with Nora last weekend and still really like Hillary), but I also (I vowed to make this blog 100% honest) now kind of like Brian, too, which is weird.  And I don’t know if I like Brian as more of a friend, or if I have romanticized the idea of a friend the way that society has romanticized the idea of a romantic relationship.  Maybe I made the possibility of friendship so idealized that caused me to continue hooking up with Brian that night.  I’m not sure.  And maybe I just don’t think straight when I’m drunk (pun intended?).  So we sort of text now (not really) -it’s not like we’re not talking - but we still don’t really hang out.  And I still really want to be good friends with him.  Or best friends.  Because we are pretty similar and click pretty well.  And maybe that’s another reason.  Maybe because I’ve always felt so different from other guys that finding another guy like me had been equally idealized in my mind.  But, I want to get to know him better.  And sober.  And I also want to have a heart-to-heart.  Although I’m not good at initiating those sorts of things - I was never one to open up to people, they always opened up to me first.  But anyway.  I still don’t really know how I feel, but I really like Brian as a person.  And I hope he likes me as a person, too.  And I don’t know how things are going to turn out.  

So that just took an hour and a half.  I don’t really have time for this, but on to the next thing: Being a Christian.

So the things above don’t sound very Christian do they?  Well they’re clearly not.  Which I feel horrible about all the time.  In high school, one of my best Christian friends (Rachel) would go out drink and hook up with people sometimes, and I was always very disapproving.  And now she goes to a Christian university, and as far as I know gave that all up.  And now I’m here at Georgetown drinking pretty much every weekend.  And originally I thought I’d try drinking a few times and hate it and move on.  And when I did drink I promised myself that it was always to have fun.  And I never drank to take advantage of anyone.  And I thought I would never take it to the level where I would blackout or vomit from drinking too much.  And I just wanted to have fun with friends and etc.  But now I’ve thrown up once from drinking too much (it was humiliating in Booey’s on a Friday night at 7pm) and I’ve now also blacked out.  And in general I was just making excuses for why it was fine for me to drink in college.  But at heart, I know I shouldn’t be drinking.  And I feel so hypocritical.  Not just to God, or my friends, or whoever, but also to myself.  And what I believe in.  And now I’m also going to Haiti with this group of Christians who honestly seem to have themselves all together in their Christian beliefs.  They’re doing it right.  They don’t get drunk. They talk about the Gospel to others. They have a daily devotional.  And I’m just a mess.  And I feel so guilty and shameful around them.  And I’m scared that if I stop drinking I won’t have any friends.  And I’m scared that if I keep drinking I’ll completely lose my currently wavering Faith.  And I so desperately want to feel convicted in the Lord.  And I just hate myself for not being religious at this stage in my life.  And I just haven’t sorted it all out enough to do anything about it.  So I just keep carrying on as a hypocrite.  But it’s so hard when so many people here claim to be religious but drink anyway.  And it’s so hard when you already feel like you need to make friends.  And it’s so hard when you’re in the Corp.  And I’m just making excuses again.  But I just don’t have it figured out and I don’t know what I’m doing.

Third: Business School.

I really don’t think I should be in the business school.  The problem is though that I can get by with, not exceptional grades, but decent enough grades.  And then I can most likely get a job after.  And I can have a job and be pretty self-sufficient which is what my parents want.  And then I can just do things with money and organizations and companies and I don’t even know what but just manage different things whether it be money or people or ideas.  And I really don’t think that it will be a fulfilling life that way.  But I could do it.  I really do think I should be in the College.  And I could major in Theology.  Which is such a weird major to choose.  But I love it.  My favorite class this semester is Religion in American Political Life.  I honestly look forward to that class every Tuesday & Thursday morning.  And I wouldn’t be a Theology major so that I could become a Priest or Minister.  I would be a Theology major because I love classes and the subject.  Georgetown in general has so many courses within Theology in general that honestly all sound incredible and I would love to take just because they seem fascinating.  Theology to me is a really interdisciplinary major.  It’s got History in it.  It’s got English and reading.  It’s got Sociology.  The whole idea of Theology is basically to analyze religion over time to see what people think the answer is to “why are we here and what is our purpose?”  It’s to see what people really value and what matters most to people.  And I think that’s fascinating.  Sociology is just the study of populations and people and trends.  But Theology is the study of what matters most to those people and what ties them together and what do they truly believe in.  And no matter what I do in life, I think that studying what kinds of things truly matter to people and what people believe at their core would be amazing knowledge to have.  And speaking of what I want to do in life, I’ve been sort of thinking about it.  Not to be overly cliche or freshman-dreamy, but I genuinely do want to do something in the world that makes a difference.  The world is so entirely messed up in every way.  Every way.  That’s so broad and vague but I mean it.  My dream for a while now has been to become a Fulbright Scholar and spend a year after college in a foreign country researching.  But let’s be honest that’s kind of a far-fetched goal since it’s so competitive.  So what would  bean alternative?  I’ve been thinking about doing something Teach For American -esque but I want to do something more…international? Far-reaching? I’m not sure. And that’s okay I’m only a freshman.  But I’m thinking about it.

And now I’m getting kind of tired and have officially spent over two hours on this post, so I’m going to cut it off here.  I really haven’t sorted anything out and I forgot to say so many things which as for everything I’ll regret later.  Even thought this is a blog that no one else reads.  Everything just matters so much to me.  And I don’t know why.  I really want to post more frequently.  I guess we’ll see.  I could really use a good week or two, so let’s hope that’s the case.  Good night.

It’s one thing to know who you are.  It’s another to know how that affects your life.  But actually affects your life.  I’m already one semester down in college.  Last semester I enjoyed myself and was fine, but I don’t think that I was truly happy.  I think that some of the things I most want are always just put on hold.  I’ll tell myself that things will eventually change.  And just float around in the meantime.  Well things are getting real.  Life is finally starting to seem like it’s flickering by in front of me.  And I know I’m just a freshman in college.  But I’m 1/8 done with college.  That’s over ten percent.  Honestly, I think I’m finally waking up to the fact that I’m not the type of person that chases happiness.  But I want to be.  

Let’s back up for a second.  This post is going to be about social life.  Scratch that.  Not necessarily social life, but friendship.  My side of the story.  Back in high school I guess you could say I was relatively popular.  But not in the “oh he’s the one that thinks he’s too good for everyone else” type of popular.  No, not at all.  I was popular in the sense that I knew most everyone in my grade.  And not just knew them but could just start up conversations and it wouldn’t be random.  I was consistently elected to ASB, ending up as Student Body President Senior year.  And honestly it was fun knowing everyone.  It was.  But I’m not really sure it was the best thing for me.  And it wasn’t always fun.  It wasn’t.  I became a floater in high school.  I became the kid that was sort of friends with pretty much everyone but not exactly fantastic friends with anyone in particular.  I had a few good friends - but no real solid best friend.  I was the kid who wandered around at lunch, lunch bag in hand, figuring out which group of people I would intrude upon and visit with for lunch.  But at the same time, I was rarely the kid to plan events.  I was the kid who was sort of a part of so many different groups that I would get invited to random hang-outs or meals or whatever and I never really had to make the distinct effort to fill my schedule with social interactions.  But I was also the guy who hung out certain groups a lot, but didn’t get invited to their tight-knit events.  Not to random nights playing video games or watching Inglorious Bastards in Randy’s basement.  Not to bubbles in the Jacuzzi at Lucy’s.  I could go on.  But I wouldn’t know everything anyway because I was always on the outside.

Admittedly, I am a little bit sad about the way things were in high school, but I don’t really feel like I understood the consequences until part of senior year and definitely this year.  In high school, I would go for a few weeks without hanging out with one group.  I would just bounce around not really belonging to anyone.  So the fact that I wasn’t invited to things or really anyone’s closest friend is understandable.  Overall though, you could definitely say that I got along better with girls than I did with guys.  Not got along better exactly.  But just more easily clicked with.  Which I guess is weird.  And now that I think about it, it makes more sense.  Just to get this stupid reason out of the way, I never really played video games.  This sounds completely stupid, but honestly hanging out with guys often entailed video games, or even when you weren’t hanging out, you could play with them online.  I genuinely feel like it made a big difference.  Second, while some guys found skating or video games or water polo as their niche, I found ASB as my niche.  ASB has always had more girls in it - I guess all the studies that say that guys are getting more and more lazy as girls get more and more ambitious is true.  So I started to form those random jokes that come out of ASB and just spent more time with girls in general.  Third, I think there’s a natural difference in a guy being close with a girl.  Girl to guy friendship is naturally different.  Naturally, the girls that I was theoretically closer with had a different “close relationship” with me than they would with their “close friends” that were girls.  It’s just naturally different and that’s just the way it is.  Girls aren’t going to discuss everything with you just in the same way that you probably wouldn’t discuss everything with them.  So when you don’t spend all your time with them it’s normal because even if you’re theoretically “besties” you’re really not “besties” because it’s nearly impossible to know exactly what’s up with the other person.  I hope this makes sense when I read it later.  But with guy-guy friendship, you need that more consistent sort of relationship.  It’s just if you don’t hang out consistently or talk consistently then you’re not going to be as close because you wont discuss things that really matter.  And that’s pretty much how it is for most people. 

So in any event, in high school I was a floater.  I floated between groups: not truly close to anyone.  Having my “close friends” just the person I could say I was texted the most or had the most classes with or called the most often to talk about homework.  And that’s a little bit overly generalized but when it comes down to it, it’s a pretty fair statement.  And what I really realized at the end of my Senior year was how thin I spread myself.  I tried to be friends with everyone.  But I wasn’t really best friends with anyone.  So for the past several years of my life I haven’t really known what it means to have a best friend.  I haven’t really known what it means to really be close to someone.  Not even in the sense where you have “deep talks” even.  Just in the sense where you and another person click in all senses of the word.  Someone you don’t feel the need to always be on your guard to try to make laugh or not mess up in front of because otherwise you might become even more irrelevant in their lives.  I had spread myself entirely too thin.  And I wasn’t happy.  

So flash forward.  Georgetown.  I move in to this dorm called Village C East.  What is it? Not a freshman dorm.  The people on my floor are never present.  There’s barely any freshmen.  And I definitely like and talk to some of them.  But the possibility of having a best friendship or group friendship dynamic develop wasn’t promising from the get-go.  Most freshmen floors make their closest and best friends with people on their freshmen floor.  And that’s realistic because there’s so many people on their floor or the floor above or below them.  But that’s not the case for me.  There’s only a select amount of people and chances that you’ll all form that one close group aren’t very high.  And that close friend group didn’t form.  VCE made me another floater.  I met people here and there and would sometimes venture into their dorm and meet some people on their floor.  But you’re always the outsider in those situations.  Because yet again they spend a lot of time together when you’re not there.  And you only see them every now and again.  And when you only see them every so often the default conversation becomes about what they’ve been up to and what you’ve been up to since you’ve last seen them.  And I don’t even need the deep conversations or whatever.  Those come in time with close friendships I think.  But simple things like even talking about a movie you’ve seen or how class today was different than it was on Tuesday or your opinion on coffee ice cream or how you feel about a person you’ve met recently or about how you and this girl starting talking… Simple things are what start the closest friendships I think.  Aren’t they? 

So clearly I’m at a disadvantage living in VCE.  And last semester I fell back into floating.  I joined Vital Vittles which I thought might solve the floater problem.  And I’ve been incredibly more happy with Vittles than I might have been without being in it.  I think.  I mean you never know because I wasn’t not in it.  But honestly Vitals has some really fun, amazing people.  But I think Vittles can be a trap - especially for fall freshmen hires.  You can get tricked into thinking that Vittles is that group for you.  That Vittles can be your close friends.  But that wasn’t true for me.  It’s a group of people that all have various friends outside of Vittles.  Some people are really good friends within Vittles but, I don’t think that I made that best-friend click yet.  And you’ll get dinner from time to time and hang out because you are friends.  But you’re Vittles friends.  And it becomes the floater kind of friendship mostly.  And the most obvious close friendships that could have formed were with the other freshmen since people in upper grades already have their close friends.  Ans Joanie is awesome, but she has a really close hall (4Y).  And again I feel like the outlier.  And hanging one-on-one is cool but it still puts me kind of in a group with her, but not really.  And Mark is a great guy, but I feel like we just kind of operate on different speeds.  Honestly I really think he’s cool and we get along but it’s not one of those relationships that just click.  

So here I am making excuses again.  Valid excuses nonetheless.  But if you have a dream you have to go chase it don’t you?  In high school I was always used to having people contact me (not to sound annoying) from time to time just because I honestly knew so many people, and the rest of my time I with ASB or Yearbook or Volleyball.  So pursuing a friendship is something that I didn’t naturally do when I came to Georgetown.  And I’m already mad at myself for that because the beginning was definitely the easiest and best and most open time to meet and find your friends.  And I didn’t really do that very well.

So last semester I had fun and met some cool people.  But I wasn’t fully satisfied.  And what I knew I wanted to change from high school to college hadn’t been changed.  I still felt like a floater.  So here we are now second semester.  And I honestly think God knew that I needed a little helping hand.  One of my actual friends, Nora, tells me she thinks that I would could potentially be really good friends with a group of guys on D1.  I had met a guy, Brian, for literally a minute once while we were on their floor, and apparently Brian really liked meeting me and said he wanted to hang out sometime.  Now, I think Nora plays things up and makes what people say a little bit more emphasized than they really are.  But nevertheless it meant a lot to me that when she said that.  The fact that someone wanted to meet me or hang out was heartening.  

So I go hang out with Nora and Brian and Brian’s D1 friends for a night.  And for the first time in perhaps years I really felt like I found people that I clicked with.  Actually though.  It was definitely one of my favorite nights of college.  And I felt so hopeful that maybe I could break into this group.  And have a solid group.  Not a random spattering of people from all sorts of groups.  But have a core group of friends.  I haven’t really hung out with most of the group since.  But Brian and I have hung out more through Nora.  Dinner and homework in D3’s common room.  But honestly, I really think we could be friends.  The last time I clicked so well with someone was probably with Tony during Boys State.  But that was clearly a friendship that couldn’t last - it was only a week long program.  But now we’re talking about college and just life going forward.  And I really think that  I might have finally found a potential friend that clicks with me and that I click with back.  And it’s such a good feeling for someone who has had that space in their life unfilled for such a long time.  The best friendships definitely have to be mutual at their core.  Like not just saying their mutual, but actually be mutual best friendships.  If that makes sense.  

So for now we’re still hanging out through Nora.  But if we start to hang out without the mutual friend connection I really think I could finally have a real friend.  And I can feel my quality of life rising.  Now I don’t want to assume that we’re going to be best friends because this could just be a random thing where we meet and hang for a bit and drift apart.  But as Paulo Coelho says, “it’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”  

And all of this I feel like is such taboo to talk about to people.  If you don’t have close friendships you’re just supposed to pretend you do or just not complain about it.  Especially when you’re a guy.  America’s stereotype and role for the male gender is so messed up these days.  And I guess it might be for girls, too, but I’m obviously not in their shoes so I wouldn’t exactly know.  

And just to put in a quickly address one last point I’ll add this tidbit in at the end.  Similar to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs I feel like my life so far has been stuck on one of the level’s of needs.  And that’s a really legitimate friendship.  So when people see me being friends with so many girls and ask how come I don’t ask them out or hook up with them or whatever, maybe it’s because subconsciously all I want at this point in my life is a true friend.  And love and the more sexual type of intimacy comes next.  To be honest in high school I think another reason I had trouble really connected with some of my guy friends was because I was close to so many girls but never made anything more of those girl friendships.  And that was weird to them because they didn’t know girls as well as me but would gladly have a girlfriend if a chance presented itself.  But for me, I was too scared of a relationship turning out badly and losing friendships even if they weren’t the closest friendships.  I just desired friendship more than anything else at my core that risk of losing any kind of friendships wasn’t worth it.  And not everyone has that desire for friendship I think.  But since as an only child that wasn’t overly close with his parents - I think friendship became a core value of mine early in life.  

So for now, I’ll stay hopeful.  I really think that I click with this group.  And definitely Brian.  I just hope they’ll still click with me.  And I want to move past the mutual friendship stage and really become friends on our own.  And I know I’m going to have to take the initiative on that.  And I know that I’m not the best at that.  But if I want the quality of my life to change, then I’m going to have to change something about my life.  That is all for now.

The culture we live in promotes the aggressive guy.  The guy that’s out to get with all the girls.  The one who takes the hottest girl in the room by the hips as soon as he gets on the dance floor.  The guy who just goes for it.  The guy who hooks up with as many girls as he can - even if they’re drunk and he isn’t.  I’m not the aggressive guy.  I’m the hopeless romantic.  Feeling pressured to be the aggressive guy; but not really giving it my all, and just being somewhat random and awkward.  No, I’m the guy who wants the best for the girl.  I’m the guy who thinks a lot more than just acting on his passion.  I’m the schoolboy crush type of guy.  

YES.

(no)
sometimes?
it’s complicated. 
do I? 

…I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

A few weeks ago, we were at church camp and I was being difficult.  I just didn’t want to talk about anything going on with me.  It’s weird because I’ve never really been used to caring about how I am.  It is what it is and everything is past tense for me.  That’s how I always see it…I don’t know if that makes sense written out - actually I’m not even sure if it makes sense in my head either.  But that’s just how it is in my mind.  

In any case one of my friends straight up asked me if I loved myself.  Without even thinking about it, I blurted out yes.  It was a weird feeling though.  I feel like I said it more out of defense than out of conviction.  Like it was something I had to say.  Like I was scared of no even being an option.  I don’t know.  It was a very weird feeling.  I’ve never really stopped to think if I love myself.  I’m always beating myself up for everything.  But those are more temporary things.  Like I get upset with myself for something I did or a certain trait that about me that always makes me mad at myself.  But I also never stop to think about how I truly 100% hate myself as an individual.  But I just don’t know.  

-to be continued..

So the day of, I had my last day of coaching volleyball camp—and I actually kind of felt sad at the end, because I feel like I did enjoy it.  Everyone was just super nice to me, and I truly felt like they really appreciated me throughout the week.  

Then I went home and finished reading Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows which I had started yesterday and stayed up really late reading (meaning I was super tired the Day of the Midnight Premier).  Finishing the book made me late for meeting up with my friends, and I felt kind of bad that I was late, but it worked out.  I’m really glad that I read the book again, though.  I loved it.  Also after I finished the book, Lizzie returned my yearbook, which I’m really excited to read.  I really like Lizzie.  Finally, I could leave because I had finished the book and Lizzie had dropped off my yearbook, so I headed for a Harry Potter Shop on Wilshire in LA. 

I finally found the store, and found Jose, Erica, Molly, Eirene, and Chris.  I’m really happy that I decided to spend my night with them.  After chilling at the store and putting our deathly hallows and dark mark tattoos on at Jose’s place, we were off to the art walk.  It was nice to be in a place full of people, and feel so close to the people I was there with.  Real nice.  We simply walked around and hung out, we didn’t really go for the art that much - which was okay.  Erica also paid for parking, which I personally don’t mind paying for, but the fact that she did was just super nice.  I don’t know just the way she acted she didn’t make it seem like she was pressured into paying (which she definitely wasn’t) or that she was just doing it because it was the “just” thing to do or whatever, but because she actually wanted to because she appreciated me taking them and driving.  It was nice for someone to think about that on their own.  I don’t know.  It really wasn’t that big of a deal but it just was really nice at the time.

Then we went to Hollywood to go to the movie theater.  We picked up our tickets and stood/sat/slept/laidonthefloorwithnoshame for hours - which was actually really fun - like really fun.  Then came running to our theater (theater 2) and planking on a section of seats in the center.  Then the movie.  It was all so exciting.  After we all just had this attitude of - this is it and it’s over and I’m glad we were together for it. It was great.  Eventually we went to our parking spots and we left Eirene and Chris.  I don’t know Chris very well but I think he’s pretty cool and I’m glad I got to know him a little better…I hope I wasn’t too crazy haha.  And Eirene, well, I love Eirene.  I miss her even though I just saw her last night.  So it was me, Molly, Erica, and Jose.  We drove around in the middle of the night with all the windows open and the stereo blasting and feeling infinite.  We stopped at 7Eleven and got some snacks on snacks and energy drinks - which I definitely needed for my drive home.  Then we dropped off Molly at her place which looked incredible.  

Then it was Jose, Erica, and I, and I realized how highly I thought of them.  I really think they’re incredible friends and I wish I had made the extra effort to be closer with them in high school.  We were driving past the LACMA and saw the lights in front and I mentioned how I had always wanted to go to those lights since I’ve always seen them and they look incredible.  And Erica was like “well then let’s go.  Right now.”  I hadn’t even really thought about stopping at 3:something in the morning but I got this sense of why not.  Why shouldn’t we.  It felt incredible to be so free and spontaneous - even if that just meant walking through all of the lights and taking pictures and illegally parking at a bus stop.  After a while we left and drove to Jose’s along with some surprisingly good music.  We just talked a little bit and Erica mentioned how she wanted Jose to read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is either my favorite or at least one of my favorite books.  Literally it is incredible and I love it.  It’s so raw and perfect.  I feel like the main character and I think very similarly so while I read it, it was almost more of listening to my own conscious as if what was happening in the book was happening to me.  That book also has so many great quotes.  I was really happy to have someone else there who felt so attached to the novel, too.  We talked about going to college next year and what that meant and just whatever else was on our minds.  Then I dropped them off at Jose’s. 

Then I was to drive home from West LA by myself at 3:something in the morning, without a phone (my battery was out) and without a GPS.  It wasn’t a scary feeling or anything like that.  It was the feeling that I was truly just on my own.  I can’t really explain it, but it was wonderful.  I don’t know.  Half way home, I was at a red light and there was a homeless man who waved to me.  He asked for anything: a quarter or whatever I had.  At first I shook my head: no.  But then it hit me: I have never truly had to worry about when the next time I could eat might be.  Without really thinking, I reached into my glove compartment and found $5 and rolled down my window and handed it to the guy.  My heart beat fast because that’s something that my parents have never done (at least in front of me) and sometimes Criminal Minds (the TV Show hah) freaks me out about doing those sorts of things.  Sometimes in the TV show or other stories you see how someone tries to help someone or something like that and the other person turns the situation around and harms the person trying to help. Okay nevermind that was confusing but anyway.  He looked at the five dollars and then to me and he just looked so deeply thankful.  Here I was this 18-year-old white boy in not the best part of LA at almost 4 in the morning.  He had probably been debating just going to sleep and giving up waiting at the stoplight for someone to drive up.  After a few silent moments he said, “God bless you.  This is breakfast.  God bless.”  I smiled and didn’t really know what to say but something like, “good luck.”  It was an incredible moment and I know it probably wasn’t that big of a deal.  But I mean, there I was in the middle of the night with literally zero cars on the road and this one man and no one else, and I just felt attached to him.  Like here we are.  Both humans.  Both in a very different place in life.  But both in the exact same place at this exact moment.  And all I could think after he said that was that I was glad to know that both of us could be able to wake up the next morning and eat breakfast.  I drove home with a smile on my face, optimism in my mind, and a heart beating a little bit more easily. 

I don’t know. There’s the whole magical aspect and childhood aspect to harry potter, but ultimately I feel like the biggest attraction to harry potter for a lot of us is in the relationships. I mean these are real friends who really know each other and have truly lived life together. They have relationships that have lasted for years and years. There’s families that are broken and others that are “typical”. It’s just that the relationships are so lasting and meaningful and I just think it’s crazy to read that those types of friendships ansblife experiences might exist. And I guess it’s also about growing up and seeing how much they’ve changed I’d how much wiser they’ve become or whatever you want to say but in that we also can see how far we have come and how much we’ve grown up and who we were 10 years ago, or whenever we read the very first one, and who we are now, as we see it all end, and who our friends and families are and what they mean to us.

I’m beginning to think that this phase I’ve been in is because I lost a lot of the spirituality in my life.